Emmy 2008: not a tribute to Charo

WTF Alyssa Milano’s stunt double Christina DeRosa?  You didn’t….you couldn’t have….did you seriously….think this outfit was……..cute?????  I mean, I’m all for spicing things up a bit (thanks to my new black boots) but really?  REALLY??

Where's my theme music? I must DANCE!

If only it were just the dress.  But with the five pounds of makeup and funky side hairdo, I did NOT recognize her.  Then let’s see, what else…oh yes, the ruffle on her dress that is ever so slowly making its way around her neck to strangle the life out of her.  And let’s not overlook the unecessarily high white heels.  But the icing on this cracked-out cake has GOT to be the handbag shaped like an f-ing FAN.  I mean PEAS and RICE woman, we get it!  You couldn’t wait to show off your Halloween costume.  Or are you really just pissed that you’ll never be invited to the Latin Emmys and this is your subtle (as in how Paris Hilton is subtlely screaming for someone to care) way of acting out?  Because if that’s the case then you are GROUNDED missy.

P.S. To all you bitches overly helpful commentators, I say this: if the Fug Girls made a mistake, than I can too.

Emmy Awards 2008: Not a tractor trade show

So the Emmys are a pretty high class affair, yes?  Why then, oh why were there so many hideous outfits?  It makes me furrow my adorable brow entirely too much to imagine how this happens.  Where are the assistants?  The stylists?  The gay friends?

First we see House’s Olivia Wilde looking perfectly glamorous in a white gown.  The subtle beading on the sleeves keeps the dress from being boring without going overboard.

I'll cut you for that dress Olivia. Trust.

 Maybe it’s because we only see her with a lab coat, blah hair and zero makeup on House, but Olivia looks really pretty, right?  Now for Exhibit B.  Lisa Rinna, modeling the trailer trash version of OWilde’s dress with Halle Berry’s hairstyle circa Swordfish:

Where's the chittlins y'all?

To be completely honest, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen this broad before.  And, to be fair, her dress isn’t terrible.  It’s really not.  All I’M saying is that for the Emmy Awards I would have found something that says ‘I’m a glamorous actress’ and not ‘I found Princess Leia’s honeymoon lingerie.’  Maybe it’s just me.

What Have You Been In Lately?

Is it just me, or have celebrities taken a step backwards in their shoe preferences?  First Rihanna.  Then…well, Rihanna.  Now my girl Jessica Biel is out and about looking a HOT mess.

SOS...that is, Shower or Stilettos. Take your pick Jess.

See, the thing is with the ‘casual chic’ look so many people are going for, you really need to find a balance between your makeup and attire.  Now, Ol’ Girl could have washed her face, maybe put on some eyeshadow (I don’t want to get too crazy, but perhaps some lipgloss???) and I might have looked over the boots.  Aww, who am I kidding?  Nothing short of Brad Pitt in his skivvies could distract me from those tragic wastes of cowhide.  Or she could have worn some cute sandals.  Heck, I’d take flip flops over the shenanigans I’m seeing here.

Why does she own these?  Why are these boots even available for sale to anyone who doesn’t ride a horse for a living?  It’s not even your HOBBY Jessica!!!  Are they lined with lambs’ ears?  Are you stashing leftovers because Justin won’t let you eat carbs?  I want to know.  Because seriously, if there’s not an EXTREMELY compelling reason for this nonsense, don’t think I won’t ride with the plane luggage just to come over there and give you a paw to the mouth.  TRUST.

OMGWTF Rihanna LMAO Why oh why?

I mean, I don’t hate Rihanna.  I’m not a fan either, it’s just whatevs with her.  It’s just…the shoes she finds.  I don’t…I’m so confused…vapid thought taking over…

I am disturbed...ia

I wish I could have found a better picture.  But for anyone who watched the VMAs this year, YOU KNOW.  The thing is, it’s not even the thigh high boots that I have an issue with.  I mean, my legs are 5 inches long, ALL of my shoes are thigh highs.  But when your foot gear stops looking like a cute accessory and starts looking like sausage casing, I’VE got issues. 

What’s up Ri?  You’re not fat.  At all.  Are you feeling a little down on yourself because you see what a tool Chris Brown is and realize that you need to be with him at LEAST a year to keep from looking like a ho? Do you have nightmares of terrible dancing and sappy duets dragging your career down like a cement block in open water?  Hey, that kind of nightmare might send any girl into a downward spiral.  But sweets?

ILL-FITTED SHOES ARE NOT THE ANSWER.   Find a pair that fits.  You’ll feel so much better.  Trust me.

OMG HOTT

this shirt is zexy even if Madge looks like she could break me in two with her bare hands!!! LOVES IT! (although I’m not sure about Barack)

Why are you famous again?

Okay, so I know this post concerns someone who many of you would consider to be “talented”, but honestly, how this schmuck manages to bag so many talented and relatively attractive women is                 b-yooooond me.

Ol' Wonky Magilla

 This is one of those people who I am CONVINCED would still be a virgin were it not for him being famous.  And for what???  He’s one of those jerks you see on college campuses or outside Starbucks strumming on a guitar in the 2 keys he knows and singing some stupid chick song off-key like he’s all in touch with women and “sensitive”.  I don’t know which is worse; guys like that who think that act works, or the stupid bimbo’s who wouldn’t know a proper key if it slapped them in the face and ACTUALLY FALL FOR IT!

Filet minon...surrounded by bacon.

I know I’m a dog and not attracted to humans (except you Brad.  Loves it!)  But who willingly goes after that?  Speaking of my true love, what the heck happened to Jennifer Aniston’s EYES to where she thinks that no-talent ass-clown is in ANY WAY a substitute for Brad f-ing Pitt???  Or Cameron Diaz?  She was tapping Justin Timberlake, and now THIS?  I can only assume that Johnny Boy here throws dirt in their eyes every time they go out.  I just can’t fathom with my little doggie brain any other explanation.  Don’t even get me started on Jennifer Love Hewitt.

John Mayer.  Consider yourself on notice.

My Birthday Wish List!

OMG guys, my birthday coming up soon and that means PRESENTS for ME!!!!!  Okay, so in case you don’t know what to get me, and I hate getting two of the same thing (seriously, what am I going to do with 2 Swarovski crystal-studded water dishes?) soooo this year I’m sending out a list to make it easier for everyone.  Okay, here’s the countdown.

5.  Party dress – hot pink.  NO polka-dots.

4.  Swarovski crystal-studded leash (to match my collar) – hot pink.

3.  Bumble bee costume for my killer Howloween party (if you can find one that’s studded with Swarovski crystals, that will be fine too)

2.  Goose down-filled dog bed – hot pink (this is the only instance where studs of any sort are not acceptable)

Why Are You Famous Again?

So gang, this is the start of a series of posts on, guess what, people who are inexplicably famous.  There are so many of them now that they outnumber celebrities with actual talent 345:1.  The question now is, who will start this ball of underachievement rolling? 

Audrina Patridge

What Have You Been In Lately (that hasn’t sucked)?

Okay guys, here it is.  Just because I’m cute and naturally thin doesn’t mean that I think everyone should be that way.  People come in all different shapes and sizes and we should be comfortable with who we are and blah blah flippity floop.  My point is, because we’re not all the same shape, we shouldn’t all wear the same clothes and expect them to flatter us.  Take Jennifer Lopez:

Jenny (take a few more laps) from (around) the Block

I know, I know.  She’s doing the triathlon for the Los Angeles Childrens Hospital, and that’s great!  It really is.  I can admire a woman who does something for other people.  Especially kids.  I love kids.  Except when they pull my tail.  Oh my gosh, is it that fat???  Anyway, so Jennifer is getting into shape after giving birth a few months ago, and, I mean, I guess she doesn’t look bad for having had twins, but then dogs usually have like 6 or more at a time, so color me unimpressed.  Yeah, you hear that Brad?  SIX!

Although, I’m just curious…is J Lo going to hire someone to carry her ass?  Seriously, it’s like a midget hanging on back there.

photo courtesy of www.theimproper.com

What Have You Been In Lately?

Good gravy.  You don’t hear about someone for a few days and you totally forget they’re alive.  Seriously you guys, I was reading about Britney Spears every day for like, 8 billion months and then she goes all Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego.  But look!  She’s back!!!

Aww, she looks so…not crazy!

 

OMG!!!  She looks so cute!  Her hair looks like it could reasonably be passed off as her own!  It’s clean!  She washed her face!  She’s wearing makeup!  She’s lost weight!  She’s dressed in normal (and CUTE) clothes!  Really though, I would have been excited enough about any ONE of these improvements.  Now I’ve kind of got this conspiracy theory going, like maybe that’s her wax dummy from Madame Tussaude’s circa 2004.  I mean, maybe Britney finally saw the light and now she’s doing a lot better for herself, but I’m just saying…

(picture via celebrity-gossip.net)